I'VE CHANGED (life update)

May 12, 2017

There are many reasons why I haven’t been posting as often as usual (my sincere apologies), but I really don’t care to explain them all so I’m just going to go through a few of the main ones. 

   1.  School- As you may know, I am still a student and getting to the end of the school year was a little rough (I was practically crawling to the end) and I just really wanted to focus on that because education is VERY important.  But since summer is approaching (yay!), I should have plenty of time to make great content for you.
   2.  Work- I can’t really say much about my job here due to privacy of myself and the company, but I’ve been having a lot of struggles with that as well which lead to stress and low self-esteem.
   3.  Lack of motivation- I really need to get better about motivating myself.  It is one of my biggest weaknesses, and it’s so easy to say “I’ll do this later” or “I’ll write a blog post tomorrow” and then when that time rolls around, I push it back again.  So I will definitely be trying to be more productive.

   4.  Criticism- I hardly ever get negative feedback.  I have the most wonderful people who will always say positive things and encourage me, but due to a mistake that was partially my fault, I did get some very harsh criticism a few months ago and after that it became very difficult to write at all.  I actually just read my first piece that I’ve written since then last week and I’m so happy to WANT to write again because writing has always been a passion of mine (I’m inserting the poem down below in case you want to read it).

By Megan Dennis

You can only do two things
Open and close
That is your job for eternity
Letting things in and then shutting them out

It’s kind of like the way humans work
We open our doors to let in visitors
And shut them out when we realize they were just unwanted guests

They brought cookies to share
While you sat and talked by the fireplace
Making small talk about the weather and things with no significance
Maybe they looked into your soul farther than you wanted them to

They panicked and ran away once they saw what was past the skin
You called after them, screaming their name until your mouth was dry
But by then they were already far out the door
That stupid door

The way you use a door symbolizes your emotions
Whether you walk quickly and slam it, making the pictures on the wall shift
Or if you walk slowly and linger for a moment in the doorway
You might look over your shoulder to have one last glance at what you’re leaving behind

It’s unfortunate that very few of those people will walk back through the door
But the few that do will lock it behind them

Anyway, so yes, that was my first finished piece since the end of March I believe.  I’m very proud of it considering I know very little about poetry and haven’t written very many poems but I’m actually starting to like it so maybe there will be more poetry on this blog in the future.

            This second part of the post is something I’m SO excited to tell you about.  I’ve been thinking about this post for days and I can’t wait to share this with you.  I’ve had a lot going on these past few months, some of which I explained at the beginning of this post, but also some personal things which I will not name specifically.  Most of them have to do with my ongoing battle of trying to get along with people (haha).  But all laughter aside, I have been facing issues such as the feelings of rejection, depression, and being taken advantage of.  I’ve always tried to be nice and friendly.  You know, the kind of person people like?  The problem was that I think there IS such a thing as being too nice.

            Everyone likes nice people.  It’s a natural human characteristic to be drawn to nice people.  Maybe that’s why I spent all those nights tossing and turning because I couldn’t escape this feeling that for some reason I was supposed to apologize.  And if you know me at all, you know that I also value my dignity.  Probably even more than I value my ability to be nice.  So anyway, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was MEANT to apologize for something that I probably didn’t have to apologize for.  It’s difficult to explain.  But I kind of felt like it was one of those God things where he was sending me a message to tell me to apologize to this person who probably didn’t even want to see my name pop up on their screen like they did when I sent that message that I instantly regretted.  And once they responded, I regretted it even more.

            A long, personal story aside as to what happened after that, I felt even worse than I did when I apologized.  I mean, how could something that I felt was so right to do, feel so wrong now?  It was really messed up, let me tell you.  But yet again, I found myself being the nice one, and before I knew it, they used that to their biggest advantage.  And then one day they never replied to me again.  Deep down, I’m glad it’s over because it shattered all of the confidence I had in myself, and I found myself in a deep pain I had never experienced before.

            This pain was different, because instead of what I would normally feel after an incident like that, I felt this need for something.  I knew that it couldn’t stay the same.  Something needed to change.  Actually, everything needed to change.  I don’t know why exactly, but all I know is that it needed to change.  And I started with my hair.

And after

I never knew a haircut could change not just your appearance, but your entire outlook on things.  I felt like a completely different person after that.  Like a load had been lifted off my shoulders.  But still, that haircut wasn’t enough.  I needed more change.  The changes I went through emotionally are hard to put into words and I’m sitting here now trying to find a way to explain it to you.  Change has always been so hard for me, but this time it was easy because I wanted it so badly.  I knew things could not stay the way they were and I couldn’t allow myself to stay how I was.  I’ll probably still allow people to waltz in and out, but maybe I’ll recognize it sooner rather than later and save myself from being somewhere I don’t want to be. 

            Here’s the thing.  If you’re under the impression that people dictate your feelings and emotions- you’re wrong.  They can if you let them, but not letting them control you will give you the upper hand and they won’t win the battle.  They want you to give in, they want you to feel the way THEY want you to feel.  Don’t let them grab you.  Don’t let them control you.  That’s the key to it, and it took me all these years to figure it out.  I still don’t have it all the way figured out, and I will never understand why human beings are so cruel, but we can change ourselves for US and not for other people.

Thank you for being patient with me during my absence, and I hope to get on a regular schedule again soon.  I’m hoping I can create way better content for you now that I’ve finally become the person I’ve always wanted to be.  And you can too if you stay strong and stay positive.  I love you!!


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