#HowISurvivedHighSchool Part 4: A Lesson on Purity

June 05, 2019

Welcome back to the blog,

            I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous for a blog post.  Part of my personality is to naturally be outspoken about topics that tend to offend a lot of people and this is probably one of those topics.  Okay so I should probably start from the beginning and say that I first debated and wrestled with my brain about whether or not I should post this.   This post has been on my list of topics I wanted to write about for longer than I can tell you.  I’ve just always pushed it to the bottom because frankly I’m scared of the feedback I’m going to get after this.  However, when I was planning this series, it just seemed to fit right in with the theme of high school.  So today, folks, we’re going to talk about sex.

            Since this a touchy and sensitive topic for some people, I’m going to remind you once again of my “rules” and that this will be a PG-13 rated post so please please please click out now if you feel like you can’t handle the intensity and sensitivity of this topic.  I really would not like to receive phone calls from angry parents.  Been there, done that.  You might be asking, “What makes you feel so entitled to speak on this topic?”  Bad experiences, mistakes, and other things I will get into later is the answer to that question.  I’m 18 years old and this was a huge part of my high school experience so I believe I should be able to talk about it.  As weird and awkward as this is for me, some 15 year old girl (or boy) out there needs to hear this message so I’m going to suck up the nerves and do this for them.

1.  This is a 6 week series and a new part will be posted each Wednesday (so mark your calendars.)
2.  I am NOT here to call anyone out or speak poorly of anyone I’ve encountered throughout my High School career.  That’s not my vibe and my intentions of writing these posts are to encourage; not to bring anyone down.
3.  I will be talking about certain people I’ve encountered and things I’ve experienced, but please know that NO NAMES will be mentioned; if a name has to be used it will be changed.
4.  All the things I am going to tell you are true and are my stories that I have a right to tell.
5.  Please read/listen with open ears and hearts.

6.  Some of the topics I will be discussing are mature and very series at times so if you can’t handle the intensity, please feel free to click out at any time.

            So, where do I begin?  I should probably start when I first hit puberty.  I was 12, I believe, at the time when I first began puberty and around that time is when I got “the talk.”  I’m not here to explain the situation with the birds and the bees; so if you have no clue what I’m talking about then you should probably leave now.  Anyways, after that conversation all I can remember is wanting to throw up and wanting nothing to do with sex for the rest of my life.  However, your hormones change quite a bit during puberty so obviously my opinion about sex itself did change as I got older.

            I was brought up in a very conservative household.  I was baptized when I was 8 years old and have been a firm believer ever since.  I was basically raised on the rule of abstinence until marriage.  And that was always my plan until about 2 years ago, my stance wavered drastically.  At that point I had never (and still have never) done anything physical with a guy more than kissing and holding hands.  The thought of anything further actually made me uncomfortable.  So I started talking to this guy, and you know how you can usually spot red flags pretty easily in the beginning?  Well in this case there was a whole FIELD of red flags and my blind self still walked right past them.  I shouldn’t say blind, though, because I could see them I was just very good at ignoring them.
            So I ignored the signs, the red flags, even the voices of people telling me to get out as fast of possible.  The thing about me is I like to see the best in people.  I want to believe that despite what other people may say, everyone deserves a chance to prove the rumors wrong.  Unfortunately I gave too many chances this time and he failed every single one of them.  I wanted to believe everyone else was wrong and that they were just saying things to scare me.  But I just ignored it and continued talking to this guy.  I’m so naive sometimes that I actually scare myself.

            About a month passes.  Things are still going great and I remember at the beginning there were a few good moments when things actually seemed somewhat normal- except they weren’t.  I remember one day we were talking (all this is taking place through text by the way, remember the conservative place I came from) and things started to progress very very quickly and one thing led to the next and that’s when it went downhill.  Whenever I replay all this in my head, I evaluate each step carefully to see where I could have not made the mistakes I did.  Every time it still ends the same way it did in real life. 

            So you might be wondering where and how things ended.  Even though it was the worst experience I’ve ever been through to date, I can only thank God for saving me and taking me out of it when He did.  I can’t even imagine how bad things would have gotten if I hadn’t gotten out of it when I did.  You might be thinking this is the end of the story.  If you did, you thought wrong.  Six months went by.  I was finally starting to recover and I had good friends surrounding me that summer so I kept busy.  At the beginning of October, I got a message from this guy again.  It was an apology.  He apologized for everything that had happened and said he had gotten better.  Looking back now it wasn’t enough of an apology for everything he had done to shatter every piece of dignity and confidence.

            So once again, being the naive person I am, I ignored the signs and red flags.  Just like the last time, things were good at first, although it was very difficult to be “just friends” with someone you shared such an intimate connection with.  It didn’t last long.  We fell into the same patterns and routines as last time, telling ourselves and each other the whole time that we were “just friends.”  Just friends with benefits.  A lot of benefits.  As open as I may seem, there were things going on then and things that we did that were so wrong that to this day I’m too ashamed to share with anyone.  That says a lot because I don’t keep a lot of secrets.

            It was me who finally ended it once and hopefully forever.  I was fed up with feeling guilty every day for what we were doing, mad at him for making ME feel guilty for saying no to him, not to mention he was starting to develop a drinking problem.  It’s been about 3 months now and I finally feel like I’ve let go for good.  I still wrestle with the weight of my sin every single day of my life and there’s rarely a day or night that goes by where I don’t think about it.  And I know I’ll have to deal with the consequences one day when I have to explain things to my future husband.  I may have not given everything away but I feel like a part of me has already been taken away from what I could’ve enjoyed in the future.  But there’s nothing I can do about that now.  All I can do is move forward and try to work on myself.

            This story was very difficult to tell.  But my hope is that some young girl can learn from this and not make the same mistakes as me.  We live in a sexual world.  And I feel like there is so much pressure on girls (and maybe guys too) to look a certain way and do certain things to be accepted by society and men specifically.  Every time I open Instagram and see some model posing half-naked on my feed I just shake my head because there’s a 12 year old looking up to her and when she sees that she’s going to think she has to look like that or take pictures like that to have friends, followers, etc.

            It’s hard not to fall into the trap.  Especially as Christian women, we have to be on our guard and stand firm in our beliefs.  I almost made an exception to my rule of staying pure until marriage.  Without the wise counsel of some close mentors and friends, this post would probably have a completely different title.  Just as I said a few posts back, surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable for your actions and keep you from going too far.  I danced on that line but I never crossed it because the people that care about me held me back.  And deep down, I knew myself and I knew I didn’t want to do it but sometimes that isn’t enough.

            So girls, listen closely.  This is some serious girl talk right here.  Never, and I repeat NEVER, give in to something you don’t want to do just because a guy is guilt tripping you.  Don’t fall into that trap.  Furthermore, something to note about men in general: they are never satisfied.  So if you think, I’ll just do this once and maybe they won’t ask again, you’re completely mistaken.  Because they won’t stop asking and before you know it you’ve dug yourself into a hole that’s VERY hard to climb out of.  You won’t have to worry about any of this though when you find the right person.  Real men don’t guilt trip you or play with your emotions.  Real men respect and won’t push you past the limits you’ve set.  Know your worth and know that you’re worth a million bucks which I can pretty much guarantee no sixteen year old boy has in their bank account.

            And guys.  Read the paragraph above and flip it around.  But I know some of ya’ll aren’t even smart enough to do that so I’ll spell it out for you.  It’s really simple, girls like attention.  At least most of us do anyway.  But it’s not the kind of attention you like to give us.  Actions mean more than words.  If you say it, prove it.  And appreciate who your partner is and what they do for you instead of always wishing for more.  Because one day, if you don’t appreciate your girl, she’s going to leave you for someone who will.  You do the math.  So it’s really not so much about the big things but the little things that will make your relationship a success like compliments, flowers, and food (the way to win my heart just in case you were wondering.)  You’re welcome- that was totally free dating advice.

            I just finished watching a sermon before I wrote this about sex, and according to resources, married couples who attend church regularly have the best sex.  And you wonder why I go to church every Sunday.  I’m kidding, but for real though, putting your relationship with God FIRST will help you in your relationships with other people.  This is why it’s so important to be with someone who also has a relationship with God because growing in your relationship with Christ will make you grow in your relationship with each other.  Being on the same page when it comes to your beliefs will save you a lot of conflict in the future.

            The worst part is the waiting.  I’m a daydreamer so I enjoy thinking about the future and what I want my dream life to look like.  Sometimes it helps to remind myself that good things come to those who wait.  Each time another relationship fails, it’s just a sign that God has someone better out there for you.  I know it’s difficult to believe, but don’t let go of that hope.  After everything I’ve been through I haven’t because I’m holding on to believe that God has a better future for me.  I’ve come to realize that despite the fact that your past cannot be changed, your future still can.

            Lastly, if you’re a girl and you’re currently facing a situation similar to mine, please feel free to reach out to me.  Don’t go through it alone.  My socials will all be linked below and I’d be more than happy to talk with you about anything I mentioned in this post.

Email: beautyinthisbrokenness@gmail.con
Instagram: @beautyinthisbrokenness
Twitter:  megan_dennis_

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